I feel I have shifted to a point where I’m ready to share my experience, instead of feeling shoved under the fear of how people are going to perceive me. I’m ready for the medicines from speaking my truth authentically.
I have been receiving gynecology checkup regularly for the past 10 years. Internal and external pelvic exam, pap smear, urine test, breasts exam, STI test etc. Last year 2019 October, I decided to remove my IUD (non hormonal intra-uterine contraceptive device) and scheduled another checkup after I left a toxic relationship. The procedures removing the IUD was NOT pleasant at all, I will save that for another story. So I thought to myself it’s just another checkup, until 2 weeks later I received a phone call from the clinic which never happened before.
It’s not a good sign if they call. I picked up the phone, they told me the reports are out and something’s wrong and I’ll need to meet the doctor. Sitting at the doctor’s desk looking at those terms I’ve never seen before on the report, I wondered what went wrong.
Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (LSIL incl. CIN1, HPV). All they told me was that there’s no treatment, no medications, the virus will stay in my body forever, it is possible that it will go away on it’s own, if not it is possible to develope into cervical cancer in 5-10 years. The doctor sent me out with a referral letter for colposcopy. Okay. More terms that I didn’t understand back then.
Walking out the clinic I remembered thinking to myself, am I gonna die? Am i gonna get cancer and die? Am I living a fulfilled happy life? What are my regrets? If I’m really gonna die soon how am I gonna spend my time? And, how am I gonna tell my loved ones? After these thoughts settled, I started doing my own researches and studies on every terms and concepts that I didn’t know.
I have always preferred healing my body holistically and trusted my body’s ability to heal if I support it’s healing. So I put aside the suggestion of colposcopy (a diagnostic procedure to examine a magnified view of the cervix, and possibility of cervical biopsy) while I continue diving deeper into my researches and studies.
I scheduled another pap smear in 3 months time, then they told me there won’t be much changes on my cervix and asked me to come back in 6 months instead. When I went back again, they rejected my request for a pap smear because they suggested that I need colposcopy. After being turned down, sitting in their lounge area, I bursted out crying. I was feeling so upset and angry imagining that a chunk/ chunks of my cervix will be taken away from my body even if I say no during the exam.
It ignited the fire in me to find other clinics, doctors, teachers, healers, books, natural healing remedies and practices, people who understands what I’m going through and who are able to offer guidance that align with my heart, body and soul. I am also recovering from HSV outbreaks and decade of sexual trauma.
Trauma is not my fault.
I am working lovingly and consciously with my womb, uterus, cervix, vagina and vulva in so many different way holistically.
I look forward to sharing my journey with you.